Baranggutan : Warrior Princess

the diary of the talkative introvert

second thoughts

I’m generally a very conservative person – old-fashioned, relaxed, slow to change. I take things rather slowly – never rushing or wanting to tweak what have been the practice since it began.
I stayed in my first company for eight years. I was clueless when I set foot in that office in 2004. The things that happened in the duration of my stay tested me well. Sure, I’ve had my moments of shock, denial, and resistance but I’ve also collected enough cheers, pride, and friendship. When it was announced that I will be included in the list of people to be outsourced, I really felt the world was closing in on me. I was lost and I wasn’t sure of what I would do. The only thing certain is that all the habits formed in my eight-year affair with Mr.Moller, Wynsum Plaza, and Emerald Avenue will have to cease – and no, I wasn’t ready for it.

Since there wasn’t much choice left for me and all the others, I signed a new contract with an IT company. Thinking about it now, I realized the biggest thing i was afraid of – no, make that the ONLY thing I was afraid of is losing a regular source of income. I was so hopeful that things will get better, that I will learn to love what I was tasked to do. I did learn to understand the people around me more. But the constant exposure to negativity is taking a toll on me now. The positive aura I wanted to slowly inject to my peers’ system is starting to flutter.
I have indirectly given a hint to the most important team in my life that I want to move out of that work den. Yes, I’m speaking about my family. They are, after all, the biggest reason why I’m working anyway.
I’ll be turning thirty in a few months and at night one question keeps me awake – When will I finally start living my life? I hope before the day I hit the big 3-o, I will come to terms with myself and be able to get enough courage to steer towards another direction – the not-so-famous choice this time.
I think I’ve earned it to finally break the rules I’ve set for myself and leave, if not all, a chunk of my conventional-self in the past.
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Friday Epiphany

It’s the 1st of March! How time flies (okay, this is so cliche!). A year and a month ago, I was an apprehensive soul moving to a new work place. I still am – though I’ve been here for quite a while. Battles in my head are waging. I’m always trying to find reasons for the things that have happened and are happening. I get too tired sometimes that I will just convince myself, “Yes, this happened for a reason and THAT is enough”. But I rarely let go of a thought until i get the answer I want, so yeah, here’s to more tension headaches to come!

Most of my questions have been aswered. I’m now left with decisions I have to make – soon. I still have fragments of qualms lurking in the corners of my mind. Some of them I cannot easily brush off. I fear I might disappoint some people in the process of setting forth on the journey I want to take. I have doubts that what I want may not be what is right for me. I don’t want to waste my time in a place that will not help me grow. But each day, I realize I do learn something, and I become a better version of myself. Does that mean this is where I should be?

Maybe I’m just overanalyzing things. I should put this worry train to a stop – a full stop, since it’s not really taking me anywhere! I’ll just live each day as it comes. I just need to remember that being able to see the sunshine of a new morning is a wonderful gift in itself – why should I want more?

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